As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize