Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Pants are for mortals
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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