So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
