I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
