What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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