I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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