why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
