i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
