dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
