My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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