I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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