def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
