just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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