I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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