I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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