He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
