i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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