I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
