2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
