Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
