don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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