Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
