I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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