Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
