I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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