just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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