If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
