she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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