I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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