At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
