You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
