friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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