A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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