I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
