I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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