I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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