Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
