Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
