My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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