There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
