Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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