chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
