I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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