I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
