Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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