How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
