dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
