everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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