my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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