Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
