I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
