she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
