Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
