i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I need a beard to bite.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize