my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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