What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
