I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
